I'm going home, bitches!

Well, okay. Going to Dan's home, bitches!

Mama Whitesides says we can both go live with her. And Dan is going to get a job to add the finishing touches to his university fund and then maybe become a teacher because he likes that kind of shit and I'm going to go to a college and then get a job to pay my parents back for the college fund they've so kindly donated. Utah, ho! And by "Utah ho" I mean Bert, as we will go bug him. Also gonna enlist everybody's help to find us some place to live because I heart Mama Whitesides but I don't think she wants us little shits around forever.

I'm going to miss this place. Because a beach for a backyard is fuckin' A, and I hate to leave behind my friends and by that I mean Paris. SEE YA, STEP GRAMMA GATES. Keep in touch, Grams. Also probably gonna miss my nemesis and best friend because you guys are pretty awesome. I know you'll all miss me.

You can still keep in touch if you wanna. Not that I know anyone who would.

Thanks for everything, Niihau. You old whore. <3

-James "Jimmy 'Pissface' Urine" Euringer.

Hey, Dan! I'm having a party. Wanna come?

OH, STEP-GRANDMA GATES. DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

If you're talking about someone behind their back, they have a right to know what you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, fuck me I'm a tattler. No, I'm just defending the one person on this island I didn't have to hound to be my friend.

I'll get off her dick when you get off mine.

ATTENTION NIIHAU. THERE IS AN IMMEDIATE RISK TO SOMEONE WHO IS, I'M SURE, VERY IMPORTANT TO ALL OF YOU.

MY DOG. ROY BEWBS URINE THE WONDER DOG, AS SEEN HERE.

LOOK AT HIM. ALL CUTE AND TINY AND DEFENSELESS. WHO WOULD WANT TO HARM THIS UNNUSUALLY TINY LITTLE PUPPY?

CURTIS. MY ROOMMATE IS SET ON KILLING HIM.

KILLING

WE AS A SCHOOL CAN NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. WHY? BECAUSE IF IT DOES I WILL CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND BE NO FUN TO ANYONE. SO IF YOU SEE A CREEPY GUY WITH SIDEBURNS* NEAR THIS DOG, PLEASE ALERT ME AT Jimmy Eat Urine IMMEDIATELY.

ALSO I AM BEGGING SOMEONE TO LET ME LIVE WITH THEM.

that is all.

*you do not get a picture. haw haw.

That's Zui. She's so amazingly awesome and I love her. Not in the way that will make a certain someone come beat me up, but in the 'I will worship her forever' way. She's my little ballerina princess with a tiny ass~ but not the pussy kind of ballerina, all 'look at me, dancing so gently and shit'. She's more like KICK YOU IN THE FACE WHILE SHE DOES HER POINTES ballerina. If it wasn't for her I'd be all miserable and emo and not able to use the word boyfriend and it's ridiculous how much I love that word now, and I've stopped referring to Dan by name. Dan sucks, boyfriend is cooler. And it's all because Zui's ridiculously badass and I love her.

The end.

Apology for lack of availability, lame yet somewhat amusing excuse for it!

Recap of my recent time, shout outs to people I've talked to. Inside joke, internet slang for laughing.

Picture of myself in some hilarious/sexy/compromising position.

Cyptic statement.

( shit you don't care about )

Dan says hi.

My dog has to be Travis' dogs' friend.

If anyone gets in the way of that, man or dog, I will be out for your blood.

( And as promised, an Ode To Sanders )

Once there was a boy named Jimmy. His last name was never pronounced right, so he changed it to something that fit him better. That kind of thing was the kind of thing Jimmy did. Jimmy was, by all accounts, a pretty cool guy.

Then he went and did some stupid stuff, so Jimmy got sent to this school on this island. It was nice there, and Jimmy liked it. He met three people who he actually liked, but one left pretty early on. Then the second boy, he kind of liked Jimmy and Jimmy kind of liked him, but then the boy became a ditching ditcher and left, too. The third boy will come up later.

Then these two ladies showed up. Both were famous, and both were awesome. One ran a coffee shop and the other taught a class, and both these ladies put up with Jimmy being a spazface. Then, for some reason, both ladies kind of disappeared on Jimmy.

Jimmy also met this guy who was a friend of a friend and this guy seemed cool but kind of distant and Jimmy didn't even want to bother getting close because this guy would probably leave, too. And he did.

Jimmy also became friends with this guy, who was all 'well, I'm not going anywhere for a while.' and Jimmy trusted him, but he left and Jimmy was left looking a lot like this: DDD:

So finally we come to the third boy. Jimmy and this boy instantly hit it off, and by hit it off I mean Jimmy pestered him and pestered him until he admitted he and Jimmy were best friends. Except now Jimmy's a little bit terrified, because he really likes this boy (not like that) and this boy's got a reputation for ditching people, and Jimmy's got a reputation for being ditched.

Jimmy's not really sure of anything anymore. He acts like he is because people like that, but honestly? Jimmy doesn't know who to trust so he settles on not trusting anybody. He does stuff that puts what he's actually feeling out there, and people just laugh it off. Jimmy doesn't think anyone will take this little story more seriously than anything else he's ever tried.

The end.

( badasser than chuck norris and bruce lee? )

DAN = OWNED

Documented proof.  But then there's this.

"Oh, shit. They caught me."

I'm liked by Koti.
I'm Zui's puppy.
I'm Dan's groper.
I'm Bert's baby's bully.
I'm Travis' roommate. We're gonna have fun.
I'm the one who Kevin Jonas sings his love songs to~

But I have to leave when I get naked.

...That's all.

JimmyYummyUrine